It was dark that night. I waited for Fei to come. I had cooked some chicken soup with rice for dinner and even prepared apple slices. It must've been hard for her to come tonight she must be tired. But knowing Fei, she wouldn't rest until she knew what was going on.
I kept thinking, where in the world would I find someone who would accept me for who I am… and someone I could accept too? To me, that was the hardest part. Accepting someone new in my life isn't as easy as it seems. Especially since my fiancé died in an accident on the day of our wedding.
Living and breathing in the hospital for years made it feel like every encounter was temporary. You'd always hope never to see the same patient again, because that meant they'd healed. Being a general surgeon taught me that lesson the hard way every attachment comes with a huge risk, and every goodbye leaves a hope.
As I was lost in thought about what awaits me in the future, I felt a sensation of fingers slowly crawling up to my shoulder. It sent shivers down my spine. Before I could turn around, a voice whispered,
"I once heard overthinking shortens one's lifespan. You sure you still wanna live long?"
I smiled as I turned around.
"BOO!" Fei shouted, popping a balloon.
For a second, I wondered where she even got that then realized the balloon wasn't empty. She'd filled it with flour. Thankfully, no eggs this time.
"Fei, what did I say about making a mess?" I said, standing up from my seat. I could clearly see her running and hiding behind the couch.
"Sorry, Erin! Lighten up a bit. You're not really going to eat me for dinner, are you? I'm your sister in shining armor! You wouldn't kill me for having a little fun, would you?" she said, laughing.
I sighed. She knew how much I hated people making a mess, especially in my house! But I wouldn't really hurt her. It was fun teasing her a little and let her taste her own medicine! I need a comback for that
"I hear the hospital's short on organs and blood supply. Donating yours would save many lives, don't you think?" I said, walking closer with a wicked smile. With each step forward, she took one back.
"Erin dear, I'm sorry, okay? I'll clean up the mess, and I'll even get you a new pair of clothes! FREE OF CHARGE!" she said, hands up like a prisoner.
"Serves you right for scaring me. I was joking, Fei. We'll talk after I clean myself up while you clean the mess you made," I said, brushing flour off my shoulders.
"You should've seen your face! You look like Ronald McDonald's doppelgänger!" she chuckled.
"Another word, and you'll be my dinner tonight," I warned, whilst heading to the sink to wash my face. When I came back, she was sitting in front of the TV, eating chips.
"I'm done, so I might as well make myself at home," she said with a cheeky grin.
"Join me for dinner. I made chicken soup," I said, sitting down.
She immediately switched off the TV, tossed her empty chip bag aside, and practically ran to the dining table. I couldn't help but laugh at her reaction to food.
"You didn't tell me you cooked! I'm starving and exhausted. There were countless of patients today you have no idea how hard it was without you," she said, whilst stuffing her mouth full.
"Well, I was about to tell you why I took a break. I didn't ask my father for six months, that was his assumption, probably how he set things. I just told him I needed a few months to fulfill Grandpa's last wish… well, if that's even possible. If not free holiday for me," I said, stirring my soup.
Fei's expression suddenly froze, spoon intact still rummaging through the soup. Food can't stop one's body reaction it seems.
"What was his last wish? For you to find a dinosaur fossil or something? He gave you six months are you becoming a paleontologist now, Erin?" she giggled. Joking as always. The serious Erin and the goofy Fei truly makes a pair.
I chuckled back. "Yeah, he said to bring him a T-Rex and somehow revive it. Said he wanted to die in the hands of something ancient."
"Very funny. Now, hurry up and spill the tea," she said, moving closer as she started shaking my shoulders playfully.
"Stop it! Stop it! I'll talk!" I gasped for air as she burst into laughter.
"Well, if I didn't do that, you'd never tell me," she said, crossing her arms while grinning.
"You can tell me, Erin. Pleaseeee. You know you can trust me. We're not just friends we're practically family. You know I'll always have your back through thick or thin."
I sighed. "He wants me to get married, Fei. That was his last wish. He's suffering from a massive hemorrhagic stroke. It's bad to the point I didn't even get a chance to talk to him today during my visit."
Her smile faded. She pulled me into her arms.
"No wonder you didn't want to tell me. It's about your ex-fiancé again, isn't it? You need to move on, Erin. I have to say, finding a suitor in six months isn't easy especially for you. You're still tied up to the past"
"Yes, I know," I said quietly. "And it's like the hundredth time someone's told me that. But to be honest… I didn't even know if I even loved him. I just thought maybe I'd fall for him after we got married. You know I only believe in love after marriage. Love before marriage just scares me. I don't want to be played with. Being committed to someone who isn't even mine yet doesn't feel right. Who would've known he'd…"
A tear fell before I could finish. I remembered the way Harris smiled that day, the way he said I love you. I never said it back. I thought time would make it real. I never imagined he'd be gone before I even had the chance to try. It broke me badly afterwar it hurt, but I don't even know if it was love. How do you even know when it's love, and not just longing?
"There, there, Erin," Fei whispered, patting my head as I rested on her lap. "I know you're sad. But he wouldn't have wanted you to be like this. Actually…" she hesitated for a second. "The last thing Harris said to me was, if anything ever happens to him, you need to move forward without looking back. He told me that if he wasn't there for you anymore, he hoped I could always be there by your side in his stead. Those were his last words to me. Though I never expected he'd get into a car crash..."
I stared at her, disbelief tightening my chest.
"Why would you tell me this now? You're making this all up," I said, my voice trembling. "If that were true, you wouldn't have waited until now. You're bluffing, Fei. I know you're lying."
I stood up, feeling upset. The one thing I hated most was being lied to, and she knew that very well. It wasn't a lie, it's just she kept that for me.Those words felt like Harris knew if his demise.
"You can stay in the guest room. We'll talk tomorrow," I said coldly and walked toward my room.
"But, Erin… I have proof of what I said....," she said softly.
I didn't want to turn around. I slammed the door shut behind me. I didn't know what came over me. Lying on the bed, tears slipped down my face. My heart hurt not from anger, but regret. Maybe she was telling the truth. Maybe I just wasn't ready to hear it. Maybe I was still in denial.
As I tried to close my eyes that night, one thought came into my mind. Maybe I wasn't ready to face the truth at all.